| ramblings of a troubled linda |

it's funny how, in life, the negative always seems to jump out at you more than the positive. im not saying that you only focus on the negative or you take things for granted or undervalue/overlook the positive...its just that bad things make a bigger impact. it hits you harder, the effects are overwhelming, you think about them longer, it sends your mind into a frenzy with thoughts of why me? and what did i do to deserve this? and wow, this is really shitty..., i just want to curl up into a ball and disappear... you dwell on it, and to top it all off, it gets you thinking about everything else that is going wrong in your life and your attitude shifts, your mood changes...and then the intense feelings come and the tears start to well... or maybe thats just me. right now. this week has just been a big snowball of shit. its been so incredibly draining, its hard for me to even think about. but you know...i can accept this. im a realist. i know that in life, there will be good times and bad times and i can roll with the punches. id like to think of myself as a tough cookie...but when the punches keep coming one after another...it gets harder and harder to get back up and sometimes i think, i just want to stay down, count to 10, give life the tko because it will hurt less and really, i dont mind losing because someone has to right? no, wrong. thats not me...i know this. i need to get back up and keep moving. i need to stay focused. but life is just really frustrating right now...i feel as though im trying to work my way through life, fighting hard, paddling around the obstacles only to find that im not getting anywhere...it almost feels as though im going backwards. what's going on? am i going against the current, am i running into the wind, am i not strong enough or am i just not suppose to go in this direction? or maybe im just not trying hard enough? am i even looking? *sigh* im tired. im angry. im bitter. im unhappy. and im broken. but i know i can do something about it. i just havent found the solution yet, but i can keep trying right?. bah. i dont know what im typing about anymore...sometimes i feel as thought there's a big piece missing in my life. a big void. i dont know how long its been missing, but i just know that its not there anymore. i really dont know what it is and where it went and if itll ever come back...i just know what i feel right here. right now...and that is, fuck. life is kicking my ass and i'm going to cry...because everyone needs a good cry. and then im gonna get back up and keep fighting.

head up child. tmrw is a brighter day. keep rolling with the punches and every once in a while, throw one back.