troubled thoughts have forced me on here to entertain the internet world with my random thoughts (and by entertain i mean... well, something other than entertain). i find it best to type while listening to music. today, the choice is yiruma (piano). i think it helps with fluidity (or maybe not?) in my case, my mood ebbs and flows just as the notes flow into melodies, instilling thoughts and evoking emotions and every now and then a sense of nostalgia. the ups and downs...the highs, the lows. with each, a thought is triggered and i lose myself in a moment, even if for a split second. Oh moments... is that not what we live for? i do. and for the very memory of them. moments of elation and moments of despair. moments that define me. moments that overwhelm me beyond belief and others where its easy to be numb and aloof. moments i would love to just lose myself in forever and ones where time has stood still and i try with all my might to will it to unfreeze itself and pass by quickly. moments when my thoughts run astray, cascading across the page in meaningless prose. times when i am at a loss for words and i have no response to what the world has presented me. moments that make me smile and laugh and others that break me down in every possible way and it feels as though the very life has been lifted out of me. moments... they make up life. its amazing how many we have in a lifetime. if only there were a way to bottle them up and save them. on days of funk, i would open up a happy moment and have it tickle my brain with joy *sigh* i want to find myself in a moment where i feel. something. anything. because its almost as though i've forgotten how to feel... well maybe not feel itself (because i am only human) but to embrace my feelings and to allow myself to express, react, respond and just feel with no inhibitions. i think its maybe because i fear the feeling of feeling...anything. because it will mean something matters to me. but that's good right? things should matter in life...so why fear it? is it because i have been let down before? is it because i just fear that my feelings will be brushed off or rejected? do i try to save myself from being disappointed? i hope not... because living with little or no expectations means no hope. and hope is like a breath of life. oy, i just don't know anymore... i just know there are a million thoughts running through my head and if one day, i could untangle and decipher them... that would be an incredible feat. and maybe one day...my shoulders will lower themselves and my tense body will relax and i will be able to sleep better at night. one day.