| please fire delilah |

alright, so i know that my blogs have been super emo and kinda depressing as of late (life hasn't been kind to me, ya know?) but this one will stray from the pack, promise. this story was amusing at the time it happened, so maybe it will translate well in blogland.

so, on my way back up from SD this past weekend, swan and i were listening to the delilah show on KYXY 96.5 (kinda like a KOST equivalent) where people request and dedicate love songs.

caller: id like to dedicate [sappy song name] to javier
delilah: now who is javier? is this javier boyfriend, javier husband, javier son?
caller: he's my boyfriend
delilah: and is javier with you right now?
caller: no he's not
delilah: so javier that's not there
(i forget what was said after that, but then the next part sparked a O.O moment)
delilah: now does javier see his unborn children in your eyes?
[long awkward pause]
caller: um, yes.
delilah: ok, well here's your love song for javier
caller: *really fast* thanks, bye

swan and i are like, uh. this lady is retarded and far from suave. what happened to dj lady with the voice that could lull me to sleep reading the telephone book? anyways, if it couldnt get any weirder, the next caller wanted to dedicate a song to her daughter.

delilah: isn't being a mother great? you get this maternal instinct thing that comes out of you where you would rip a bear apart with your bare hands...
[uh...what?]
delilah: (rambling nonsense) well i hope you continue to love on her and cuddle with her and shower her with all your love and faith so that she can grow up in that so that by the time she turns 14, she won't do the things that I DID...

uh. delilah needs to be fired. she obviously can't think on the spot. someone send paula abdul to KYXY. even she would do a better job, drunk and high...

troubled thoughts have forced me on here to entertain the internet world with my random thoughts (and by entertain i mean... well, something other than entertain). i find it best to type while listening to music. today, the choice is yiruma (piano). i think it helps with fluidity (or maybe not?) in my case, my mood ebbs and flows just as the notes flow into melodies, instilling thoughts and evoking emotions and every now and then a sense of nostalgia. the ups and downs...the highs, the lows. with each, a thought is triggered and i lose myself in a moment, even if for a split second. Oh moments... is that not what we live for? i do. and for the very memory of them. moments of elation and moments of despair. moments that define me. moments that overwhelm me beyond belief and others where its easy to be numb and aloof. moments i would love to just lose myself in forever and ones where time has stood still and i try with all my might to will it to unfreeze itself and pass by quickly. moments when my thoughts run astray, cascading across the page in meaningless prose. times when i am at a loss for words and i have no response to what the world has presented me. moments that make me smile and laugh and others that break me down in every possible way and it feels as though the very life has been lifted out of me. moments... they make up life. its amazing how many we have in a lifetime. if only there were a way to bottle them up and save them. on days of funk, i would open up a happy moment and have it tickle my brain with joy *sigh* i want to find myself in a moment where i feel. something. anything. because its almost as though i've forgotten how to feel... well maybe not feel itself (because i am only human) but to embrace my feelings and to allow myself to express, react, respond and just feel with no inhibitions. i think its maybe because i fear the feeling of feeling...anything. because it will mean something matters to me. but that's good right? things should matter in life...so why fear it? is it because i have been let down before? is it because i just fear that my feelings will be brushed off or rejected? do i try to save myself from being disappointed? i hope not... because living with little or no expectations means no hope. and hope is like a breath of life. oy, i just don't know anymore... i just know there are a million thoughts running through my head and if one day, i could untangle and decipher them... that would be an incredible feat. and maybe one day...my shoulders will lower themselves and my tense body will relax and i will be able to sleep better at night. one day.

| oh life |

i was sitting at my computer the other day (what's new eh?) and i thought to myself, whoa. my life has seemingly lost all meaning (weird right?). i have been stripped of everything familiar, stable, enjoyable...whatever (or so it seems). sometimes, i really do feel like im just going through my days, aimlessly. there is no school to make me feel like a student- studying, stress and all; no clinicals to instill my nurse-ness; no job to make me feel like an employee- contributing something (even if it is useless) to this world; no significant other to feel needed/wanted (not to mention, to maintain the girly bitch factor, haha); no sports to make me feel alive (aaaand i think i might just go crazy soon)... no direction? not a happy feeling, but one that gets me thinking...

so, i've decide to just say: fuck it. this injury has pretty much ruined my life (really...), so why let it ruin any more of it? i need to take advantage of this year off. everyone seems to think this is a sweet deal (even though i'd much rather just graduate in june) so i need to start making this feel like a sweet deal.

first stop: cambodia! (: ah, the motherland (although, im technically more chinese than i am cambodian, so would it be my pseudomotherland?) I will be spending a nice long 3 weeks in southeast asia and hope to hit up thailand and vietnam while im there. we also have a long layover in korea so a lil seoul action is planned as well. i'm excited. this should be quite an adventure.

ok...thats all i have on my list so far, haha. but a good start to spicing up my life!! (:

oh life, it just is. the good, the bad, the ugly. its all worth it.

| twenty. six |

the faces that give me a breath of life...

and hope...

| alone |

it's one of those moments. the moments that you dread. the moments that cause life to just stop. and hang...at a standstill. its in this moment where the feeling of loneliness creeps over you. and against everything that's going on, you feel as though you have no one. absolutely no one. the irony is that your friends and family who love, care for and support you are doing just that, and even more so than usual. but yet, you still feel so alone and you can't shake the feeling. where is the shoulder that you can cry into? where is the embrace that will protect you from the world? you're not looking for words of encouragement...not right now. all you want is the silent reassurance in their eyes...and arms. your mind is racing at a million miles per hour. you open your mouth but nothing comes out. your eyes well up and you can't explain why. you try to organize your thoughts, but you can't grasp onto anything. your heart is heavy and your body is weak. you stare off, not looking at anything in particular... you just let the thoughts and tears flow.

life has landed a devastating left hook and you don't have any energy to get up and fight back. you know that things will work out in the end. you know things happen for a reason. you know you will get through this. but right now... what you need is a breath of life breathed into you. and hope. above all things...hope.